My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
