My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
