dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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