My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
