he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
