Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
