tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
