Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
