and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
