tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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