I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
