haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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