there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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