Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
