So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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