barbara walters just said penis...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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