I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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