Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
