and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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