And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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