I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
