At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
