Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
