I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
