Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
