i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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