my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im holly from the hills drunk
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
