why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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