I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
