oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
