Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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