3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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