dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
