Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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