I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
