If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
