Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
