if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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