just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
