You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
