I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
