I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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