And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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