Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
