tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
