yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
3 2 1 whiskey
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
