You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
