life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
