He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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