I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
