I think i peed on brittanys purse
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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