found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
